Anticipation: Chapter Nine

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Anticipation OptimizedCaitlin’s flame burned brighter by the day, each week warming to a deeper smolder. Though she was still having a problem translating her desire to the bedroom, she had no difficulty feeling it during the day. Everything seemed to make her wet. She couldn’t stop touching herself. Caitlin was still one bath per day, but they were longer, more luxurious, and always following her time at the computer, each time ending with a shudder through her body.

Bath followed Caitlin’s computer time, which, even after nearly two months with her Passion Now account, still surprised her. Before, porn was mostly silly. She had nothing against it, but thought of it as a guy thing and no big deal. Nothing that would ever work for her. Now it was her morning addiction.

Caitlin kept telling herself it wasn’t, but she didn’t know another word for something she had to do every day no matter what. She thought about it before she logged on, replayed what she saw while in the bathtub, and let the images scroll through her mind and afternoon, nesting Jay’s face on the lean men paid to fuck models to hollers, and her face and body rather than the perfect size twos who had their tight holes stretched into a wider pink by the throbbing pounders.

Passion Now had altered Caitlin’s opinion of porn. She now looked forward to it, seeing it as an opportunity to know herself better. At first, she questioned the draw, wondering what part of the animal inside her she was feeding. Guys watching porn, perfectly normal. Women, not so much. Lady porn was still enough on the fringes that Caitlin told no one, including Jay, even though she had done it at least once every Monday-Friday when home alone with no one to know. One Monday, after a two-day weekend break  spent two straight hours digging deep into her dugout while streaming beautiful filth from her laptop to the widescreen TV in their bedroom.

Men and women, Mars and Venus; both are prone to the occasional jerk off  session. That’s what porn was for. And while Caitlin had previously been more likely to choose closed-eye fantasy over any sort of high definition visual, she had slowly come to realize she was far more visual than she thought, and loved to lose herself in the soft music and richly colored fantasies brought by Passion Now, with new updates three times each week.

Passion Now also gave Caitlin a reprieve from her looping thoughts. Sex, she realized, was a time when her brain worked more, rather than less. She should have been content to close her eyes and be the nail to Jay’s hammer, but her brain was always whirring, wondering if he was happy, and — even stupider — trying to stitch up pieces of her past. Ever since the night a couple months before, when she tried and failed to spit filth from her mouth, Caitlin saw herself in school, slowly gathering skills and tools and moves she would eventually use to prove to Jay that he had married the right woman, not just to raise his children but to make his dreams come true, in whatever part of his mind they might lie. Caitlin was determined to refine the fine art of fucking, fellatio, and anything else that happened in all the parts you were supposed to cover up. Passion Now, it seemed, was giving her quite the education.

Passion Now was in no way a replacement for Jay. If anything, it fueled desire; made it harder for her to wait on him to come home, made her think of crazy things she never thought of before, like driving to his office at lunchtime, then filling her tummy with spunk. Essentially, Passion Now put her in the mood every day. Visual foreplay and a place for secrets gave Caitlin the space to bloom her fantasy. Though Jay would love nothing more than for Caitlin to give him an honest’s conversations worth of her hangups and fantasies, she was still figuring them out. She wasn’t comfortable sharing her deeper sexual thoughts, and Passion Now helped her understand them so she could.

Porn doesn’t judge. 

Caitlin’s routine was often the same. She beat Jay out of bed every morning, though most she would press snooze at least once after waking from a delicious dream, sticky in the middle. She would lie in bed wanting to wake Jay with her mouth, get him hard and climb on top of him, then fuck him into a shudder for her. When confidence waned, Caitlin would lie still instead, clutching her pillow until the alarm yelled insistent enough to send her feet to the carpet.

She would leave the bedroom, stumble out to the kitchen and start the coffee, then prep breakfast for the children, making sure the snacks were taken care of as she thought of Passion Now, wondering if there would be fresh updates since the three times weekly were never scheduled. Jay was usually up within a half hour after the boys leaving. Every morning she wanted to pull him back into the bedroom to germinate the nasty thoughts planted there by Passion Now. But each morning feared rejection.

It wasn’t that Jay didn’t love her or wouldn’t want her, but his mornings were serious. He had to get into work, and loved his sleep. By the time he got up, he had only calculated minutes — just enough to shave and shower and decide on the right poplin and tie. Not much room for spontaneity, and Caitlin feared if she tried he might brush her aside and crush her budding spirit.

Two months saw two exceptions, both had gone well. One Thursday three weeks before, Jay woke 20 minutes before his alarm, right after the children left for the bus. Caitlin was in the kitchen when she heard his feet hit the floor on his way into the bathroom. He peed, probably, then came back into the bedroom to find Caitlin on her knees, where she stayed for six more minutes, until Jay was throbbing hard enough to slip inside her soaking hole and shoot a thick load two minutes after that. The following Tuesday Caitlin was in the bedroom clearing two days worth of water glasses from the nightstands when she heard Jay having what was clearly a sex dream. She slipped into bed beside him and, sure enough, the man was fat enough to fuck a tailpipe. She slipped her panties past her ankles and sat on his dick. Jay opened his eyes to see his wife bucking like a bronco, bringing herself to an early morning orgasm just a few seconds before him.

Overall, things were greatly improved between them. Two months before sex was a rare thought through her day, unless of course when she went to Greens. Now, it was a constant. Caitlin still hadn’t bought any toys or new lingerie, but what would have been a foreign thought before was a daily one now. She looked for toys and lingerie both several times online, but hadn’t clicked the BUY button because she wanted to feel the purchase first.

Even watching Passion Now in the morning, and fingering herself to a yummy butter in the afternoon, then thinking about toys during the day, Caitlin still had a difficult if not impossible time transferring that heat into her most personal moments with Jay.

There was an oddness inside her she couldn’t explain, or escape no matter how hard she tried. It was like being raw throat thirsty, but refusing water when offered, even when she could see dew ringing the glass and hear ice cubes clinking along the bottom.

Caitlin could spend all day in heat only to see her flames smothered in a moment’s awkward death. She would imagine Jay coming home, and dropping to her knees when he did, swallowing his cock and maybe purring with orders for him to call her his filthy whore. When time came to prove she could do more than think, Caitlin lost her nerve, even on the time two Thursdays before when he came home a half-day early. Instead of dropping to her knees, Caitlin wound up inexplicably pissed that he didn’t just take her without asking, and feeling like a fool for spending years grooming him to do what she didn’t want.

Isn’t that what he means by treating me like a whore? 

The nerves were the worst, killing intent at each opportunity, causing her to question everything from her motives to instinct. Even though their sex had failed to inch beyond nighttime, what they shared after 10:00 was the best it had been in years. Still, every time Caitlin wanted to claim more, the worst parts of her always over-thinking mind would whir to life and ruin the moment.

Jay hadn’t mentioned anything about Caitlin being his whore, or requested that she talk dirty since that first awkward moment several weeks earlier. Yet, she couldn’t push either thought from her head. With the second thought especially, she didn’t want to. Almost every time they had sex, she wanted to talk dirty, but it was impossible to do without feeling dumb. One Sunday before, during a rare afternoon tryst when all three boys were captured by the Empire striking back in the front room, when Caitlin had her legs in the air and the flats of her feet facing the ceiling, dirty words should have bubbled from her mouth like water from a brook, but Caitlin couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Jay had to settle for her muffled moans and whispered screams instead.

Their sex life was in a slow but constant state of improvement, which grew Caitlin’s confidence by the day. That was all she needed. Nothing happened in a day. It didn’t matter how much you wanted to lose an extra 30 pounds, or what you were willing to give up or surrender to make it happen — food at the table or hours in the gym — the only thing that truly mattered was the attention you put into making it happen.

More than anything, she had to keep going, and know that Jay could feel their growth too. Right now, he did. Two nights before he had come home from Sherwood’s with a dozen Leonidas roses — her favorite; chocolate terra-cotta colored blooms, blown open, full and wide. Caitlin stared at the bouquet as Jay handed her the flowers, wondering if they would have reminded her of a stretched and overheated pussy without the month and a half of Passion Now to set the thought in her head.

“They’re beautiful,” she said, genuinely touched.

“Only a fraction of you,” Jay smiled, then leaned in to kiss her. “Thanks for everything. I’ve never felt closer to you.”

That was his way of saying what she was doing was working. Problem was she wanted him to say it in a dirtier way, the way he wanted instead of the way she trained him to think she did.

Oddly, some of Caitlin’s greatest comfort came from her friends. It wasn’t that she enjoyed them being miserable in their respective marriages, it was that it made everything in her own life seem like an improvement.

Caitlin and Jay loved one another, rarely fought, and had their lives and goals in reasonable harmony. They agreed on what it meant to be great parents, and always rowed their oars in the same general direction. The improvement they were each looking for, both in their own way, was something to help them take what was already good and move it to great.

Most of Caitlin’s friends were in marriages that were unsatisfying on the best days and a downright disappointment on most of the others. After casually bringing up sex in countless conversations through nearly two months of trying, Caitlin calculated that 100% of her friends were either disinterested in their significant other, or cheating.

Caitlin’s friend Sarah had been married to her husband Jack for nine years and officially couldn’t have given a shit if he ever put his dick in her again.

“I don’t know,” she said over pastries and coffee at Half-Baked. “I love Jack as much as ever, but I’m just never horny around him any more. I force myself, of course, but it’s never spontaneous and not what he wants.”

“What does he say?” Caitlin couldn’t help treating every conversation like a survey.

Sarah shrugged. “Well, not much of anything. I’m sure he knows I’m going through the motions, and that has to fuck with his ego. Jack thinks sex and love are pretty much the same thing, but his libido is like an eight or a nine and mine’s right there hovering above one. Once a month is plenty. Twice if I’m drunk at least once.”

“What do you think it is?”

“Could be anything,” Sarah chewed on her pastry. “I’m 43, and after my hysterectomy last year it seems like menopause is camping out. I was sexually abused when growing up, which oddly, bothers me now more than ever.”

“Sorry,” Caitlin said, knowing exactly how she felt, but not really wanting to go there enough to say so.

Sarah shrugged again. “It is what it is. I suffer from mild depression, and fairly constant anxiety. Even though I know my parents love me, we weren’t affectionate, except for my uncle who should get ass raped by Satan. My parents loved me, but weren’t loving. I wasn’t raised to need hug and kisses, or even want them. I’m happy in my own company and when Jack is affectionate I feel smothered, or like he’s only being affectionate as a prelude to sex. I guess I just feel inadequate more than anything, and that makes me not want to care.”

Sarah was a mirror, from abusive childhood to creeping menopause. The difference was that Caitlin did care, and wanted to do whatever she could to fix what needed mending.

She was even less like her friend, April — a serial cheater. Caitlin tried not to judge, though it was sometimes difficult, especially since April was so honest. It both fascinated and appalled her that April spoke with no remorse, or even worry about getting caught. She and her husband, Josh, had been married for seven years, and had a son and daughter, six and four. Not that she ever would, but if Caitlin ever did cheat on Jay, she was sure she’d be nothing but nerves.

“Was it weird,” Caitlin asked, “I mean, the first time you cheated?”

April shook her head. “No, not really. Josh and I had just moved to Inferno Falls about three months before. We moved here for his work and were living separate at the time, but since we were talking about marriage it just seemed natural to move out here together. One night we went to Room With a Cue to play a little pool. We were two games in and having a great time when work called. Josh was supposed to have his cell off since it was US Time, but he didn’t, even though he promised. He had to leave on an emergency and I was supposed to take a cab home. I was pissed as shit, and drunk. A guy who looked like Colin Farrell too much to not want to fuck came up to me, flirted, and bought me enough alcohol to push me from drunk to shitfaced. I ended up back at his apartment, my phone on silent. I was a slut, a whore, a terrible cheat. It was awful the morning after that first time, but I did it again and it’s been a blessing since. Something about it excites me in a way that Josh just can’t.”

“Don’t you feel guilty?”

Caitlin couldn’t imagine infidelity without guilt hugging her like a straitjacket.

“Not as much as I should,” April said. “The fucking is too good.”

Caitlin tried not to judge April, but there wasn’t an inch of her that wanted to cheat on Jay, not ever and not for anything, but she did want to experience sex that was so good, so raw and swollen and bubbled up from her core, that she could understand what could make a person think it was okay.

After a decade and a half together, their love was so strong it was almost athletic. It was time for their sex to finally catch up; time for Caitlin to break from her shell and be the person Jay deserved.

She thought back to their conversation two months before, when Jay said he wanted an occasional whore for a wife. Like every day, his words rang in her head.

 Sometimes I want to fuck you, Caitlin. Sometimes I want to hold you down and fuck you to tears. Sometimes I want to come home from work, slam you against the wall, lift your skirt, tear the panties from your ass and fuck you until I’m finished. Not slow and without an I love you before or after. I want to fuck you hard, just to get off. Like I don’t even know you. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, Caitlin thought for the thousandth time, imagining Jay storming through the door, commanding her to strip naked and bend over the couch. She could practically feel his cocktip sliding up and down her slippery slit; saw the movie in her mind and felt the tingle between her legs.

Getting hot, Caitlin headed toward her morning computer time. She pulled up the website, which she could now do with a keystroke, but stopped short of logging in, staring for nearly a minute at the smoking hot home screen before clicking the red dot in the corner to close her browser window.

Caitlin left her computer and picked up her phone instead, then texted Jay:

Hey honey. How is work? I miss you. xoxo

Two minutes later, Jay texted back: Miss you too. Jensen didn’t show today. Looks like I’ll be home before the kids. 

Already waiting, she texted back immediately: Yummy. Does that mean you’ll fuck me when you get home?

Caitlin’s heart pounded through seconds spent waiting for response. The phone buzzed in her hand.

What’s gotten into you? Then, a second later: Are you wet?

Heart still racing, Caitlin texted: As a bucket. She imagined him growing hard, then added, I was hoping that instead of cumming in my pussy, you would fuck me from behind and cum all over my back.

The longest minute of her life crawled across the clock before the phone buzzed back.

Holy shit, Caitlin. So. Fucking. Hot. Can’t wait to get home. Have a meeting in five. Have to go now. U made me hard. 🙂

Caitlin texted: You should run to the bathroom and make yourself cum first. If you think about cumming in my mouth, it should only take second.

She knew he had to be throbbing through his wool pants, and was thrilled when he texted back: OMG. I have to go. Will get home as soon as I can. 

Caitlin took care of herself immediately, waited through the long afternoon for Jay to get home, then attacked him as he stepped through the door.

Jay attacked her right back.

Caitlin opened her mouth to say something nasty, but Jay shut it with a finger pressed hard to her lips, lifting her short black skirt to reveal her panty free and freshly shaven sheen beneath. Caitlin had started shaving her pussy to a trim neat enough to be decorative about two weeks before, and was waiting for Jay to notice. Sex in the dark kept her secret from his eyes, but when Jaw saw juices spilling from her open hole, covering bare skin in a carpet of sticky, he lost his composure as something snapped inside him.

She always imagined dropping to her knees, but in reality Jay fell to his. She moaned from her gut as he shoved his face between her legs. Her skirt billowed above his head as he lapped at her gushing cunt and his hands pressed hard into her flesh, just under her ass.

Her heart sped with desire as Jay’s mouth drove her to starving, hungry for his dick inside her as his hands drifted across her smooth skin, drawing her into a flurry of gooseflesh.

Jay pulled himself from Caitlin’s pussy and looked up into her eyes, mouth glazed, then ran a finger along her sticky crease. With another finger added to the first, both slipping inside her, Jay stood and made Caitlin taste herself, mashing his fingers into her lips and kissing her with enough rhythm to make a small involuntary twitch on the floor, matching her tempo as Jay’s finger found the top of her tiny ball and started rubbing it in soft little circles.

Caitlin rocked her middle against his hand, lowered his zipper, popped the button from its hole, and tugged his pants to the floor. She wrapped her hand around his dick and started stroking. He curled his palm up against her pelvis and brought her to her first crashing orgasm, not faster than she was used to giving herself with Passion Now playing in the background, or bathtub jets between her legs, but certainly the fastest she’d ever had standing, or from her husband’s fingers.

Caitlin’s stomach hummed as her muscles tightened. Jay moaned as her hand closed around his dick.

He thrust his hands up under her loose fitting blouse — chosen because it showed the tiny tips of her bullet hard nipples — then found her rubber nubs and started rolling each between his finger and thumb.

“Over there!” he ordered, pointing toward the sofa.

Caitlin nodded, smiling as she sauntered to the couch, swaying her ass and giving him a show, feeling sexy on her way.

The scent of her starving pussy saturated the room, growing more pungent as Jay stepped behind her, splayed her slit, grabbed her ass with one strong hand, and positioned the head of his rock hard cock against the opening of her still dripping hole.

He slipped inside her like he had done countless times before, then rocked back and forth, sending his pelvic bone smashing into her exposed clit. Caitlin clutched her tits, milking pleasure from inside them.

He didn’t last long, but Caitlin didn’t want him to. The boys would be home soon, and it would be nice to have the house not smelling like something they couldn’t understand when they stepped through the mudroom and into the house.

Besides, I’m ready.

“I bet you want to cum on my face!” she was surprised to find herself screaming into the moment’s intensity.

That was all Jay needed. A deafening groan roared from his mouth as he jerked and shuddered behind her and the load she would have taken on the face filled her furbox to leaking instead.

They gasped for breath while descending from rapture, Jay circling her waist and holding her body steady from behind.

“The bus will be here any minute,” she said. “We should clean up.”

“I guess that means we don’t have time for seconds?”

“You want me again?” Caitlin asked, feeling sexier than she ever had, maybe in her life.

He smiled “No one else and always.”

If this was the start of something new, Caitlin wanted to see what else was coming. Two months took her from not knowing what she wanted to knowing exactly what she did. Now she had to get it.

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