Anticipation: Chapter Seven

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Anticipation OptimizedCaitlin woke in the morning upset, but made it through the morning without her family seeing it. Early to bed early to rise, Jay beat her from the bedroom. He smiled through breakfast and was generous with attention to all three boys, while throwing only  furtive smiles at Caitlin, each like a turned in assignment.

Jay either had an early meeting, or needed to make one. He was gone not too long after the children. Still, it felt like forever until the house was hers. Once alone, Caitlin was tempted to start another rampage of cleansing, scrubbing the house to squeaky while ignoring the demons inside her.

Her demons were responsible for the scars. They bred her anger, guilt and fear. A constant haunting. Like most adults who suffered from sexual abuse as a child, Caitlin had mild depression and occasionally chronic insomnia. She had high levels of anxiety, but fortunately wasn’t a victim to many of the other self-destructive behaviors survivors often suffered from, such as drugs, alcohol, anxiety disorders, or rampant sluttiness.

Like whores. 

Survivors usually either pursued sex like a pastime or avoided it entirely. Caitlin did neither. She had a reasonably healthy appetite and was in no way turned off by the idea, especially with Jay. She never disassociated from her husband during sex. When she was with him she was with him 100%, never checking out of her body and waiting for him to finish.

But that’s not enough.

Caitlin was so … pissed. She loved Jay and showed him constantly. They had sex several times a week. What the hell did he want from her? Complaining about their sex life was like sailing through seven green lights then bitching at a red.

Caitlin didn’t start cleaning because she knew she wouldn’t stop, so she just washed the few morning dishes, wiped the counter, then went to the bathroom and started the water.

Caitlin sat at the edge of the tub listening to the water land at the bottom with a plinking slosh, realizing that she wasn’t just pissed, she was somehow upset and couldn’t quite figure why.

So what, she woke in the middle of the night after a sex dream and caught Jay jacking off. What was the big deal? They had been married for a long time, and she had no problem with him taking care of his needs. She encouraged it often. There were plenty of times when he spilled seed beneath the covers when she wasn’t in the mood. Sometimes he even came on her tummy, or she’d lift her shirt and he’d cum on her tits. Things were slower for the first two years after Hudson was born, then another one that felt like three after Max.

That was when things first started to slow, or change. Caitlin sometimes felt like so little of herself, she barely had anything for Jay. She would turn, face the window, and let him have her from the back.

Stop it. You’re feeling sorry for yourself.

Caitlin rose from the tub’s edge then walked over to the sink. She opened a drawer, pulled out a lighter, then lit the three Lily of the Valley candles on the counter, before lighting the six in the tub. She dropped the lighter back in the drawer, then peeled the clothes from her body.

She stood in front of the mirror, naked, staring at herself for too long, then turned the bathwater to low, slowing the gush to a drizzle before leaving the bathroom and going to occupy her mind in a different part of the house.

Caitlin went to the bedroom, plopped on the bed, lifted the lid of her laptop, and ignored Facebook. Instead, Caitlin did something that surprised her, even as she did it. She moved her cursor to her browser’s address bar and typed “porn guys like,” then hit enter as her heart doubled speed.

Sixty-three million results, and Caitlin wasn’t sure any had what she was looking for. There didn’t seem to be a porn site on the first page, just articles trying to explain basic need:

Why Men Like Porn

Don’t Try This at Home — Stuff Guys Want in Their Porn, Not Their Beds

7 Reasons Why Guys Like Porn

Why Men Watch Porn 

The Top 10 Reasons Men Watch Porn

Why Men Watch Porn Instead of Their Women

Caitlin didn’t need an explanation, she needed help sorting through feelings. She wanted to feel alive, and was sick of burying her present beneath the rotting planks of her past. Jay wasn’t much of a porn guy, so it wasn’t that she was trying to figure out what sort of stuff he would watch, exactly, she was just trying to get some insight into his mind. Jay was picking at a part of her she couldn’t give; a scab he’d been picking since Hudson was born.

Caitlin returned to her address bar, typed “porn” then pressed enter.

Free Porn Videos & Sex Movies – Porno, XXX, Porn Tube and Pussy

Porn Videos, Sex, XXX, Free Porn Tube – YouPorn

The Best Free Porn Tube, XXX, Porno and Sex Videos – PORN.COM

FREE PORN! FREE SEX! Perfect Girls Tube – 100 000 porn movies …

Free Porn Sex Videos – Redtube – XXX Movies – Home Videos …

That was more like it.

Caitlin clicked on the first link, which ended up being a YouTube like site, but with everyone naked, and about half with things inside them.

In the right hand corner was an ad for another site, House Party Sluts. The ad played a sequence on a loop:

A young college girl was sprawled naked on the bed as a group of young men and women gathered around her, drizzling her with ice, sucking on her nipples, taking clothes off, rubbing pussy all over her face, slapping her with dicks, then, in what Caitlin thought was sort of a spoiler — not that she couldn’t have guessed the ending — the poor girl was covered with what looked like a gravy boat’s worth of cum.

Just to the left of the streaming ad was a section of “Porn Videos Being Watched Right NOW!” giving Caitlin the option of seeing, “Hot Asian Lesbians,” “Jenna Jism Cumshot Cumpilation,” “Belle and Ariel’s Hardcore Spanking,” “Big Tittied Beauty Slut Shows Tight Body on Webcam,” “My Dad’s Hot Girlfriend,” or “Dirty Hollywood Pussy Picked Up Off Sunset.”

By the time Caitlin decided that none of those options sounded much like something she wanted to see, then or ever, even if the screen capture for the two Asian lesbian videos did look nicest, the ad to the right had made a change for the filthier. While the previous was raunchy but harmless, with college age kids doing what most college aged kids did, albeit a bit more graphic, and with many more people in the room, the next one was downright profane.

The new video was almost violent, the sex harsh. Brutal. Mean. Disrespectful. Nothing playful about it. Loud, and ugly, with women bouncing on dick as if they were paid by every angry thrust.

Something, maybe everything, turned Caitlin’s stomach.

She couldn’t imagine Jay being into anything like that. It wasn’t like him. He might like the thrill of a dirty movie, but not something so … ugly. That wasn’t what he meant when he said he wanted a whore.

Caitlin laughed out loud as she imagined Jay with an escort, minding his manners like always; opening the door, wiping the wet spot, and filling his encounter with pleases and thank yous.

Caitlin clicked through to another couple of videos, and found most gross. Only one did anything for her, and barely at all. She liked it because it was supposed to be a husband and wife having a quickie in a restaurant bathroom, but the whole thing seemed staged and silly, and so amateur it almost looked like a blooper. Caitlin made it all the way through to the end of that one, and laughed out loud when the guy grunted like a horse trying to loosen its bowls, then dribbled a teaspoon’s worth of watery yogurt from his tip.

Caitlin was bored and figured the water was ready. She went to close the lid, but her eye snagged a video that looked alluring enough to draw her attention. It was called, “Moment’s Notice,” and Caitlin clicked a second after she saw it.

“Moment’s Notice” was unlike anything she had ever seen. If the other videos were porn, this was erotica. Caitlin was wet six seconds after the video started, and soaking once finished.

It started with a shockingly beautiful woman — she looked like she belonged on a runway more than an adult video — slicing avocados. Of course, she looked more luscious doing it then Caitlin ever imagined she did, but the fantasy still felt like home.

As the woman — Leah according to the title card that started the video — licked avocado from her fingers, her husband came home from work. At least Caitlin assumed it was supposed to be her husband since he set his briefcase on the counter while unknotting his tie.

Leah turned to the man, Desmond, also introduced on the title card, and smiled. Then their mouths made love for a long minute, until he parted from her body and pulled the string from her apron as if he were unwrapping a present. She wore a man’s shirt, one of his. He kissed her neck, several times on each side, then nibbled her ear before ripping her shirt open.

The most beautiful pair of C-Cup or so tits Caitlin had ever seen naked spilled into the elegant kitchen. They exchanged a smile, then their faces caressed at the cheek before their mouths crashed back together.

As his lips held hers, the man’s hands wandered all over, until they were pulling down her skirt and gently spinning her around. He left the fabric in a puddle at her ankles as he positioned himself behind her. With his left hand he gently grabbed her shoulder, and with his right he held his cock, brushing it up and along the length of her gooey center, then pulling it out, not yet penetrating her, showing the camera the gleam on his throb.

Caitlin lay on her bed with a matching glisten on her slit, shiny with want.

Leah whimpered a plea and Desmond pushed himself into her, over and over and faster and faster until she was moaning.

He sped until she fell to a scream.

Caitlin watched with her mouth hanging open and hands on the bed. She was lying flat on her stomach and could feel the smear beneath her, like butter spread on the bed. When Leah pulled herself from Desmond, then dropped to her knees and took him in her mouth, Caitlin stretched her arm behind her back and started lightly brushing her goo back and forth, surprised by its volume, and grateful to feel so alive.

When Leah nibbled on Desmond’s bottom lip, then turned and crawled onto the top of the kitchen counter, on all fours like an animal, with her ass raised high in the air looking back at her man as if she were his fuckdoll to do as he wished, Caitlin’s pussy flooded. She used her hand to stop the gushing.

Desmond buried his face between Leah’s cheeks as Caitlin fucked herself hard with her fingers, arriving from two sides and sharing three jobs; rubbing her nub in tiny circles, sliding up and down the slippery flaps, and thrusting in and out while curling up against her pelvis bone.

Caitlin came a few seconds before Desmond, and was falling from her euphoria when he pulled out of Leah and drizzled white paint across the creamy canvas of her beautiful back.

She lay shuddering on the bed. When she was finished, Caitlin clicked on the link that took her away from the video and over to the wonderful people who made it.

The site was called Passion Now, and had a handsome couple smiling from the homepage. Something so simple as the way they stood beside one another, with the woman collapsed against the man’s chest, looking happy and satisfied, made them seem truly in love. It was something Caitlin never, ever thought she would see on what was clearly a pornographic site. A popup banner hijacked the screen asking Caitlin if she would like to take a tour of the site. She clicked “NO,” then immediately clicked on the button that said “JOIN NOW!” instead.

Caitlin used the credit card she knew by heart — the same one Jay encouraged her to use more often — and signed up for an account. She picked out a password, whore, then started scrolling through screen captures and staring at beautiful lives.

Each girl was as gorgeous as the first one, and Passion Now was smart enough to call them models rather than girls, women, pornstars, or actresses. Caitlin had to agree — any of the models could easily sell clothes for Victoria’s Secret, Ann Taylor, New York and Co., lululemon, or any of the other places Caitlin might shop. Why not sell her sex?

Beautiful women were part of Passion Now’s inescapable allure, gorgeous men, lavish homes, and breathtaking location shoots helped account for the rest. Caitlin lay in bed staring, lightly wiggling against the mattress and dripping more as she did, until she realized her ogling had been going a while and that even at a slow trickle, the bathtub had to be close to full if not overflowing. Caitlin figured the upper drain would have to do as she spied a video that seemed too pretty not to click.

A second later she was watching video of a girl named Nadia slip into a deep claw foot tub. The water was shallow, but Nadia didn’t need it for bathing. After a few minutes watching the woman slowly undress, teasing the camera along with her body, pinching her nipples to pert, she left her beautiful but slinky clothes in a pile, then climbed into the tub, sank into the shallow water, pressed her back hard against the porcelain, and started to rub her middle finger in light little circles around her button.

After a few minutes and a major acceleration in the speed of Nadia’s breath, she slipped one and then two fingers into her widened pussy, arching her back and thrusting them deeper, whimpering as she pulled her fingers out from inside her, then reached over the edge of the tub’s far side, bending just enough to show Caitlin her bright pink pussy, puffy and shimmering; bloomed like a rose with petals ready to fall.

When Nadia sank back into the water she was holding something Caitlin knew she would never hold herself, something that just wasn’t her: a glass dildo, pretty, with a thin seam of pink, raised slightly higher than the rest of the glass, circling the shaft’s length.

Nadia rested the glass at the lip of her hole, nudged it an inch, made another whimper that sounded perfectly involuntary, then shoved it all the way in as she shuddered and sent waves and ripples through the water.

Burning hot, Caitlin slammed her laptop down, not bothering to close the browser window, then swung from bed to carpet and headed for the bathroom. She paused in front of the mirror, staring at her bullet hard nipples, pointing like arrows up from her only slightly sagging breasts. Her muff was bushy, hairs slightly overgrown and lightly wild, gleaming in their dew.

Caitlin turned off the water and stepped into the bath, sinking low enough under the surface for the heat to swallow her shoulders. She immediately slipped three fingers from her right hand inside her, while squeezing her left ass cheek with the other hand.

Caitlin’s head fell back toward the edge of the bathtub as her fingers made magic. Everything felt more intense because of the heat kissing her skin through the water, lightly lapping at her shoulders and splashing fire on her neck as Caitlin’s swaying body continued making tiny waves. She moved her left hand from her ass to her breast, cupping it first, then pinching her nipple between thumb and finger, rolling it until it went from already hard to almost hard enough to hurt.

Though their new tub was also a spa, Caitlin rarely if ever used the jets. And certainly not to do what she was about to do. She removed her fingers, twisted her body toward the spa, adjusted the setting, then crawled over to the jet and shoved herself up against it.

Caitlin imagined Jay’s mouth pressed hard against her middle, how it often was, after the horrors that made her close her eyes through the pleasure, but before the birth of her first child, when she sometimes wanted no one in her space.

Caitlin gasped and panted and sucked at air, surprised by how amazing it felt to have pressure and pleasure pounding inside her. She lifted her hips and nudged her body closer to the jet. Water gushed at Caitlin’s pussy, parting her lips and sloshing with force against her clit, pulling moans from her mouth and a current through her body.

Lily of the Valley filled the room, along with her pungent scent. Caitlin couldn’t remember the last time she was so hot. She moaned louder and faster as her body rolled to a boil. The water moved with ever increasing force as she shoved the flow harder against her hole.

Caitlin lifted a leg and opened herself further, sighing and gasping and wondering how long the rapture might last as water gushed deeper inside her. She bucked her hips then fell back to the porcelain, switching hands and giving her right a turn at her breast while her left took one between her legs.

Wanting more, Caitlin reached over and cranked the jets another notch closer to full blast, then screamed as the bigger jet of water slammed her clit. Her hips pumped harder as her head fell back and sent her eyes to the ceiling. Caitlin slammed her right foot up on the recently tiled wall, took a second to feel grateful she was home alone, then with closed eyes and parted lips, moaned loud enough to hear outside as she pushed her pelvis into the pleasing streams of water fucking her like liquid dick.

The water’s force wasn’t quite like anything Caitlin had ever felt, and it made her long for Jay. If he came home right now, she’d gladly be his whore. She would follow any command, and do it while panting, so long as she could feel this amazing forever.

Her first orgasm took a while to arrive, especially considering how immediately the climax had come while watching erotica in bed. The bath gave her a steady pleasure, rising by the minute, but when the promise of pure delight was finally delivered, the shocks through her body were like God announcing presence on Earth.

I feel so alive. 

When was the last time I felt like this? 

Please, please, please, I never want this to end. 

The orgasms owned her, rocking her body until they finally sputtered and died. Caitlin sat back in the tub, adding more hot water as she leaned back, marinating in thought.

For the first time since her awkward conversation with Jay and, truthfully, far too long before that, Caitlin felt sexy — not only ready to give Jay what he wanted, and maybe even needed, but eager to do it from the bottom of her heart.

For Caitlin that was everything. Some women could unplug their emotions from sex to enjoy it for what it was. But her past made that impossible. Sex was emotion, which meant her terms were the terms.

That’s why he wants a whore. 

Caitlin wasn’t angry at the whisper inside her, because she knew the whisper was right. She lay in the tub, post self-coitus, imagining Jay coming home —thinking of all the teasing before bedtime, and the whore quality fuckjob she would smear all over his face.

After an hour spent knowing herself better than she had in recent memory, Caitlin stepped out from the bath, dried herself with her fluffiest towel while staring at her reflection, then pulled on her yoga pants and cami, thinking about buying a sex toy for the first time in her life.

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