Anticipation: Chapter Thirteen

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Caitlin looked at the clock, slowly blinking, forcing herself to believe it was really time to get up. She felt both refreshed and unrested. Her body still wore a soft tingle, and the earliest morning light was comfort creeping through her window, but it was hard to believe the night was no more. She had closed her eyes only moments before, it didn’t seem possible she was opening them seven hours later.

Jay was still sleeping, lightly snoring like always. She had ten minutes or so before she had to get out of bed and start the coffee, then manage the boys as they got ready for school, while pretending as if she wasn’t managing them at all. She turned from the clock to Jay and faced the window, brushing the hair from his forehead and kissing the naked spot just above the bridge of his nose.

The night with Jay was amazing, bringing what was already roused into full alert. The simmer inside her had finally rolled to a boil, heating each inch of her skin and driving her toward a raw intensity she’d not felt since Hudson was born.

The crackling fire between them had lasted another forty minutes, which was how long it took for Jay to cum a third time. He probably could have blasted faster, but Caitlin did all she could to elongate their encounter, from parting her body from his cock whenever she felt his balls start to tighten, to pinching the tip of his dick to keep him from squirting. When Jay finally came, he shook her body so hard Caitlin thought she was leaving a crater in the mattress.

But the light was always less forgiving than the dark. Though their encounter from the night before wore the handsome mask of spontaneity, it was really nothing of the sort. In truth it was a crockpot of anticipation, left to bubble and stew through the day, starting with Passion Now and her time in the tub, thinking of Jay even more than normal, and the couple from that morning’s video — Becky and Jason — almost not at all, then her trip to Tiny Amsterdam, followed by a finger fucking, sexting with Jay, and the long, lingering tease that started when he pulled into the garage and didn’t end until they were practically running into their bedroom before any of their boys had a chance to hit their first snore.

How could Caitlin hope to capture a day’s worth of anticipation again? What if her spontaneity was spent? The night before, as amazing as it was, put her in total control. Was it possible for her to have the same sort of intensity, and give Jay what he really wanted, while surrendering that same control over to him?

Like a whore.

Caitlin was filled with a sudden ache, a deep longing to unearth what she knew was inside her, minus the heartache and guilt and regret. She wondered if she was a bit broken, and if that was that and the way it would be, then wondered how many hundreds or thousands or millions of times she had suffered through the same horrible thought.

Was it being a mother that changed her? Early menopause? A need for control? A cracked and shattered childhood where she learned all the wrong things, teaching guilt as a necessary emotion?

As Caitlin turned from Jay, ready to pull herself out from bed and into the bathroom so she could empty her bladder before going to the kitchen, Jay blinked his eyes.

“Good morning,” he said, his smile as wide as the window.

“Good morning.” Caitlin brushed more hair from his forehead, then leaned in and kissed him softly on the cheek. They were both still naked, and the heat between them felt good. His hand was suddenly on her right breast, then her left, his thumb running up and through the valley in the middle.

Caitlin reached her hand down to his cock, soft but starting to thicken.

“Oh my,” she giggled. “Already? I would think you’re empty?”

He laughed, softly. “I am, probably. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to get morning wood. That’s like birds in the trees.”

Caitlin laughed back, softly stroking his cock.

“I have to pee,” he said.

“Is it hard to pee with morning wood?”

“You have no idea. It’s like giving a mini-birth every morning.”

“I doubt that.” Caitlin stopped stroking. “You should go pee.”

“I have to wait. Too hard right now.”

“You mean peeing will be too difficult, or you’re too hard to pee?”

“Both.”

“So you never pee while you’re still hard?”

“Sometimes I have to, but it requires a system.”

“A system? Like what?”

They had been a couple too long for Caitlin to have never heard about any of Jay’s morning urinary systems. He smiled, then sat up slightly in bed.

“Well, sometimes it’s nothing but brute force. If my dick is pointing straight up, I have to bend it to my will. It hurts since I have to hold it down with enough pressure so it doesn’t slip.”

“What happens if it does?”

“Well, I’ll accidentally spray the walls.”

“You do know you’ve done that before, right?” Caitlin laughed. “Like sort of a lot?”

Jay looked away, embarrassed. “Yeah.”

She said, “Can you always do that, or is it too hard to bend sometimes?”

“Sometimes I get lucky, and my fatty slopes down. Then all I need to do is lean forward and point. As the stream weakens I lean further into the bowl to make sure it all gets inside.”

“Again, I don’t think you’re as sharp a shooter as you think.”

“Sorry,” Jay’s face wore a thin skin of sudden pink. “Are we done? Or do you really want to hear this?”

“I really want to hear this,” Caitlin said, enjoying his flushed face.

“Sometimes I stand a foot or so behind the toilet and lean with my palm on the wall, then I take aim and hold my body stiff. I like that position because it feels like a morning workout,” he laughed. “Great for strengthening my core.”

After a long pause, he added, “If all else fells, I sit on the seat like a little girl, then push it down and let it go.”

They laughed together and it felt so very good. When they were finished, Caitlin said, “I have to go. The boys are seconds from getting up.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“No,” she shook her head, then leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. “You stay here. If you come out, they’ll start getting obnoxious. Especially Max. Then they’ll miss the bus and I’ll have to take them to school and we won’t get to have breakfast together.”

“And that will suck.”

“And that will suck,” Caitlin repeated.

“So why don’t you strategize, figure out a way to empty your bladder through this beautiful dick of yours,” she curled her fingers tight around his shaft as she said it, “then come out after they’re gone and have breakfast with me. I’ll make scramblers.”

“Oh yummy,” he said. “That sounds great. Can I tell you what I want?”

“Please.”

“Sausage, mushrooms and avocado. Do we have all that.”

“We do, and it will all be sitting in your stomach within the hour.”

Caitlin got dressed in her usual yoga pants and cami, then went to the front room, made coffee, poured cereal, and felt truly happy for the following hour. The boys didn’t annoy her, even though they were annoying; squabbling and even getting slightly physical as they argued their way out of the house and out to the bus. She chopped ingredients, spending extra time with the avocados, squeezing the fruit like a breast in her hand, and filling the house with the scent of a lovingly made breakfast.

Jay waited until he heard the front door slam, then emerged from the bathroom in nothing but his robe. “They are gone, right?”

“Yes,” Caitlin winked, setting Jay’s hot scrambler on the table beside her own, along with two glasses of water, and another two glasses filled with juice —  apple for her and orange for him — then sat and motioned for Jay to sit.

Caitlin could feel the heat on her cheeks. She was suddenly, thoroughly, and inexplicably embarrassed about the night before. Jay picked up on it immediately.

“What’s wrong, Honey? Everything okay?” He sat beside her and brushed his hand against her arm. “Did the boys give you a hard time?”

“No,” she shook her head. “Not at all. They were angels.”

“You look a little upset. Less happy. Not at all like when you woke up.”

“I just feel a little embarrassed is all.” Though she hated saying it, Caitlin was glad she was honest. It didn’t help that Jay laughed out loud.

“Embarrassed? Why on earth would you be embarrassed? About what?”

“About last night,” she looked down. “I said some things I’m not used to saying. I guess I feel embarrassed now that it’s morning.”

Jay pulled a giant bite of scrambler from his fork, chewed for two seconds, swallowed, then said, “Are you kidding, baby? Last night was amazing. You were amazing. We were amazing. What could you possibly have to be embarrassed about?”

“All of it, I guess,” she shrugged. “I’m a mom. It’s my job to clean the house and get the children ready for school. Listen to them complain in the morning and cook for them at night. Go to Greens and make sure we have the fridge filled with crap, etc., etc., on and on for always. It just doesn’t seem like there’s always room for what happened last night, or at least that’s how it sometimes seems in my head.”

Jay smiled. “Sweetie, that’s silly. There’s always time for what happened last night, so long as we make it. Don’t you realize that by feeling bad about it, you’re only making it harder to feel good.”

“Ha,” Caitlin laughed, loving her husband’s way of saying things. “I guess it’s just how I’m wired. I feel guilty when I shouldn’t and bad when I don’t want to. And I don’t always know how to relax enough to live in the moment.” She paused, took a bite of scrambler to consider her words, then repeated them with a deeper confession. “I don’t always know how to relax enough to live in the moment you deserve.”

She set her fork on her plate and scooted closer to her husband.

“But sweetie,” he started, looking injured. Before he could say another word, Caitlin set a finger to his lips.

“It isn’t you,” she said. “Never ever. You are wonderful, and I couldn’t have enjoyed you any more last night. I waited for you all day.”

“Really?”

“Really,” she nodded. “I went out and bought the lingerie and strawberries and whipped cream, all for you. I loved doing it, and was thinking of you the entire time. I even drove to Tiny Amsterdam,” she laughed, embarrassed enough by her admission that she said nothing about the dildo that she may or may not be sharing with him later.

“Sweetie,” he said, taking Caitlin’s wrist and moving her hand to his lap. “Last night was a dream come true. More like a fantasy than our usual love making, and I loved it. I’m sure I’ll think about it all day. Probably all month!”

Caitlin smiled, but still felt embarrassed. Nothing like the power she had felt the night before while teasing his dick, or any of the hundreds of minutes before that through the stretch of her soaking wet day. This was a grownup conversation between two people who loved one another, with nothing to be embarrassed about.

She swallowed, then said, “Do you have any other fantasies?”

“Of course,” Jay said, then fell into a pause that lasted long enough for Caitlin to figure it might not have anything on the other side.

“Do you want to share?”

“Not sure,” he shrugged. “Yeah, I guess I would like to, but you seem uncomfortable, and that means it probably won’t go well.” He smiled, letting Caitlin know he meant no foul from his words.

“I’ll be okay,” she promised.

“I don’t know. Last time didn’t go so well. You asked me, I told you, then I spent a week feeling bad.”

“I promise, I won’t do that this time. And I’m sorry for the time before. But that was two months ago. Things are better now, right?” Caitlin smiled, offering Jay her best apology.

He took it, smiled back, then said, “I don’t know…” It was his turn to get slightly embarrassed, and Caitlin enjoyed the blush of crimson on his face. “I guess sometimes I wish we were more playful. Role play is big for a reason. Nurse costumes, schoolgirl outfits, business suits, teacher getups, whatever…” Jay paused.

“And…” Caitlin said, knowing there was more.

“A change of scenery would be nice. The only place we ever have sex, or do anything sex related, including kissing is the bedroom. I’m not saying we need to be on a blanket at the beach, but hell, the hood of a car, the floor of our kitchen,” he swallowed, “a blowjob in a movie theater, that’s always been a fantasy.”

That was enough for now. Caitlin was ready to spin the conversation to another subject, but Jay spoke louder and faster and just kept right on going.

“And watching,” he said. “That’s a big one. Guys are visual. I would love to watch you masturbate, or maybe we could watch porn together.”

The thought of watching Passion Now together, and feeling Jay between her legs as the heat burned inside her — rather than the hot water she wore each morning like a blanket on her skin — filled her with a current of electricity. But still, Caitlin was too embarrassed by all she’d not told Jay mingling with everything he said. She could only slink in her seat and say nothing.

“You seem embarrassed.”

Caitlin nodded, wishing they never started the conversation. “Yes,” she said. “I’m sorry. It’s just that none of that stuff really sounds like me at all. Can’t we have passionate sex without dressing up like it’s slutty Halloween?”

Jay scooted even closer to Caitlin, until their knees were touching and she could smell the salsa on his breath. “Look, Cay, I never ever ever want you to be uncomfortable. Your discomfort equals my discomfort, 100% of the time. But we are who we decide to be. If you’re embarrassed, it’s only because you’re allowing the emotion to own you. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of, or be embarrassed about. It’s a part of life, and it can be a bigger and better part of our life, if you want it to be. I see sex as something to improve and grow, like anything else in our life. We save for the children’s college, and add to that fund every month, right? Doesn’t it make sense to put the same care into our love life?”

“Sure, but why does giving it attention have to mean costumes and role play and all that other stuff?”

“Well, it doesn’t, but why not? I’m a playful guy, doesn’t it make sense I would enjoy, and maybe even crave playful sex?” Jay rubbed her fingers as he continued to speak. “I know you were upset when I said that I wanted you to be my whore, but I meant no disrespect. This is what I meant — you acting like my escort gives us a chance to play together. To role-play and have an adventure.”

Caitlin’s embarrassment was back, swelling inside her enough to make her almost wish the amazing night before had never happened. Jay went on anyway.

“Role-playing gives you the chance to act in ways that reality won’t. It gives you a chance to step outside of your skin, not just as someone else, but a someone else it’s fun to temporarily be. And why on earth wouldn’t you want to be that way with me?”

Caitlin looked at her husband, longing to believe him, and wondering if she could really find everything he wanted already nested inside her. She said nothing. Jay brushed his knuckles on her cheek.

“Don’t worry about anything,” he said. “We have the rest of our lives to make things better, and the great thing is that they’re already excellent.” He smiled. “The most important part is starting the conversation. Conversation leads to communication, communication to answers, and answers to a better life for both of us. Remember,” he leaned in and planted a light kiss on her soft cheek. “We’re in this together. Please never be afraid to tell me what you want or need, and I’ll never be too afraid to give it to you.”

Jay smiled and stood, already running late enough to rush his shower. He left the kitchen while Caitlin started to clean it, then surfaced a half-hour later wearing a suit, tie and smile.

They shared a long kiss at the back door. After they parted, Caitlin apologized for her embarrassment. Jay took her hands like the beautiful man he was and whispered, “Someone who trims themselves to meet everyone else’s needs will soon have nothing left of who they are. I’m glad you are who you are, and take your time to change. But I do want to grow, and am grateful we’re changing together.”

They kissed again as Caitlin felt tingles through her body, then she watched Jay climb into his Lexus and pull out of the garage. She went back inside the house, and for the first weekday morning in two months, didn’t visit Passion Now.

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